I Need a WIFE...

Wanted: Someone extraordinarily special to care for my family. This wonderful person will cook three different meals nightly to satisfy the ever-changing tastes of my picky children and husband. She will be expected to clean the kitchen with no help from anyone who just ate the fruits of her labor. She will also clean each room thoroughly at least twice daily...usually more, due to children who don't grasp the concept of picking up toys and a husband who likes to leave stuff out. The bathrooms are especially important, as you will find dirt in the tub, beard hairs on the counter and toothpaste specks on the mirror, even if you just cleaned it an hour ago. Laundry is a must...as in "you must do four loads of laundry a day or you will face an insurmountable mountain of dirty, stinky clothes." I'm sure it has something to do with children who change clothes three times a day and husbands who like to toss wet towels waaaaaaay in the back behind the basket. Duties also include picking up whiny children from school and daycare, as well as providing hours of after school entertainment. Don't be intimidated by shouts of "you're mean" and "you NEVER let me do anything fun"--these are just phrases that children use to show their love and affection. In addition, you will provide 24/7 infant care to a beautiful princess, as no one else in the house can be bothered to pick her up when she's crying. It really doesn't matter if your hands are full or you are right in the middle of a task, you will hear heavy sighs and snide remarks if you ask for help. Don't ever forget that you are Superwoman. Also included in your daily routine are homework, bathtime and bedtime rituals which will take up most of the evening, leaving you with little down time.

Other non-daily duties include but are not limited to: single-handedly paying the monthly bills in full despite all the frivolous spending by male members of this family. Planning and carefully crafting a shopping list, which you will then discard as you try to push one cart filled with three lovely, albeit bratty kids, and drag another behind you to fill with over-priced groceries. You must also be a boo-boo kisser, a fight breaker-upper, and the giver of different forms of punishment, as what works today will not necessarily work tomorrow.

You must have an always sunny disposition, as you are not allowed to be cranky...well, you can be cranky, but you must never show it or you will be subjected to the same heavy sighs and snide comments as above. Come to think of it, you will be subjected to heavy sighs and snide comments no matter what.

It will also help if you have a full time job in addition to the job here...it is expected that the wife, as stated before, will be Superwoman.

If any of this sounds like you, PLEASE come save me, as I QUIT!